I am exhausted and ready for bed, especially when wordpress just deleted my whole post that I wrote just a minute ago. This is really annoying. But it’s been a great night, so I felt like I needed to write something here. It’s been a while since I’ve felt the way I did tonight. I was so happy, nothing could’ve brought me down tonight.

It’s been a year since I have seen the Mayhughs and it’s so good to see them again. Just the thought of seeing them made me smile. When I realized that I would be going out to Wanchai after practice to have dinner and hang out with them, I was… well there are no words to explain how happy and excited I was.

On the bus to Wanchai, I was on the phone with Hynah and I’m sure he could tell I was excited and in a good mood. I was talkative, the tone of my voice showed I was happy. When I stepped into the ministry office and saw Daniel and Anna standing there, I had the biggest smile on my face. “Jojoooo” I heard Daniel say. I can sense my heart smiling. I ran over to Anna and gave her the biggest hug. Later on, when Daniel finished with someone, he came up behind me and gave me a hug. Listening to the band practice to “Jesus, take the wheel” and having Daniel and Anna around me, it was perfect. The rest of the night, I had a big smile on my face whether it be eating thaifood or listening to the band play. Being happy is a great feeling. it really is.

On the way home, the taxi driver must’ve thought I was crazy. I was smiling and laughing to myself because I recieved a message from Daniel saying thanks for hanging out. Thank You guys for hanging out, I should say to them. Because they have made me happy and that’s all I need. God has created these two  beautiful people, to be missionaries and great friends of mine.

Happy Birhtday Jessy. There is nothing much to say except for you will always be my best friend no matter what happens. Things have gotten between us the past few weeks and we have lost time, but we will gain it all back in no time. you’re one year older now.. but more importantly, our relationship has gone another year! Thank you for everything. I hope you have a great week despite of everything going on.

Cheers, Jo!

There are those days where I go to church, and you walk it and you’re so excited for church you can almost run around saying hi to everyone. That was today for me. I walked into church with Emily and my heart was beating fast and my blood was running with excitment. Listenning to the worship being played, we went to find seats near our friends. During worship, I was just talking to my friends but singing at the same time and it was good, calming and relaxing.

Pastor Brett talked about the story of Rahab, the prostitute. She lied, she bargined, her heart changed. This story is from Joshua 2:1-21.  Even though her old occupation was prostituion, it doesn’t mean that her heart cannot change. God died for all of our since, even Rahab. We are all Rabab in one way or another, we are sinful, we do sinful actions then we feel guilty.. but one of the big questions asked to us in church today was How do you deal with guilt in your life?

God was speaking to me because that is what I have been dealing with the past few days. So many things have happened that I didn’t know how to deal with it. When we have guilt, we are not being the person who believe God wants us to be, but don’t carry the guilt around with you. Because that will only make it harder for God to transform you and mold you. Jesus was pinned to the cross, he died for our sins. We should not carry that burden around ourselves.

Learn from it, Let go  & Let God transform you.

Cheers, Jo!

Two posts in a night is rare but it’s been a weird night & here it is.

I never thought that I would be this kind of person. I’ve always thought of myself as looking at everything in a big picture, knowing everything thats going on and just being able to be there for everyone. This time I am wrong, I am so wrong and right now, I hate myself for it. I have been so involved in myself, in what I have been feeling, I did not notice what other people have been going through, I didn’t even try to notice or find out. I’ve been wrong this whole time, about everything. I’ve been complaining about my small little problems that don’t even matter in the long run, while people have way bigger problems than I do and yet they have to hide it because I haven’t been there for them. I feel like an idiot.. a Jerk.. a horrible friend.

I want to say I’m sorry, and I am. but that doesn’t even match up to how I feel right now, the voice inside me asking me “what the heck have you been thinking all this time?”. There is nothing I can do that will make up for what I have done and that kills. I don’t know when things are going to be the same again, eventually it will, but it will take so much time. And again, I hate myself for what I have done. For the wall I have put between us, there should be nothing that we can’t tell each other.

God, I don’t know what I have been thinking all this time. I thought it was just a small bump you put in front of me. But this challenge is so big, I have just realized, that I don’t know what to do once again. I can’t come to forgive myself. I don’t know when I will be able to come to forgive myself, Your love is so big that I know you have already forgiven me for everything I have done and I thank you for that. But Lord, What do I do now? Now that I have dug a hole and created a wall. I pray that you give me the strength through this time. That you give me the wisdom to do the right thing, to be like You. Heal me…

Cheers Jo!

While I was at encounter tonight and we were singing, something hit me that didn’t last night. I was tired last night so I didn’t really talk about talking to my friend last night. It hit me today that it was mostly my fault that we haven’t talked in so long. I started feeling like things were falling apart between us because another person was in her life now, so I tried waiting for her to talk to me and made myself miserable at the same time.

I didn’t really have any close friends in the past two weeks, I felt like I had no one to talk to and it was hard especially when other things are getting in the way as well. It hurts even more when I thought that the other person had somebody more important – aka boyfriend or girlfriend – and that they didn’t need me. But talking to my friend yesterday made me rethink, listenning to her talk about her problems with school, grades, family, life – it hurt me to know that things have been bad for her this whole time and I haven’t been there for her. On my selfish side, it was also satisfying to know that things have been bad not talking to me.. but that’s beside the point.

It was not just one thing that had been bothering her, it had many been multiple things. So many things, so many problems this whole time and what was I thinking? I was thinking that she is too busy with her boyfriend to talk to me. I am so wrong.. and I hate myself for thinking that way.

Think about our relationship with God. Compare that to our relationship with our friends. The difference is that there are times we have conflict with our friends and we just hate them for a brief moment, sometimes for longer, sometimes we fall apart and lose contact. But our relationship with God is different, He will always love us and always be there for us even if we somehow lead into a different road other than towards Him and with Him. We are called to be God-like and the way I have been acting is not God-like.

So many times we have our own friends, and we are so caught up in having fun with them, spending time we them, we lead to a different road, we go away from God and He feels the same way I have felt the past two weeks. Disappointed, let down, upset. But even though he might feel that way, His love for us will not change, he has his arms and his heart wide open waiting for us to come back. He will plan things for us that will cause us to go back to Him. If he can do that, why can’t we? Why can’t we – instead of being upset at that friend and jumping to conclusions – go to them, be there for them and have open arms and an open heart and wait?

You know who you are, I’m sorry I haven’t been there. I’m sorry I didn’t know anything that was happening. Its been a rough past few weeks for all of us but I know things will get better. I’m sorry if it felt like I was mad, I just didn’t know how to react everyday when I saw you guys together. It was like I didn’t like seeing you guys together, but that’s such a selfish thought and I’m sorry. I don’t know if it affected you as much as it did to me but not talking to you was hard, it was like I just lost a best friend and I didn’t know who else to go to. Trust in God, pray and He will answer prayers. Things will get better, I know it.

Though it might seem like I am fine now, I still struggle every day with that problem with more than one person. It is a hard thought to wrap around my head, it is hard not to feel like they have stopped caring for you, but with God by my side, it will be easier and I know he will give me the strength to do whatever I need to do and heal me, comfort me when I am down.

I hope that made sense. Maybe it didn’t affect you as much as it affected me, but I hope non-the-less, you have gotten something from it because I won’t believe you if you told me you have never been in the same position as I have, never felt the same way as I have.

Cheers, Jo!

First day of our four day weekend, gone! Dang it.. this weekend is going to past by quick, I know it. It’s not been too bad though. What about you?

Sushi. IFC. First thought people say is that it’s expensive, because everything at IFC is expensive which is true but this sushi is damn good. Thanks hynah for treating me. Five hours after having lunch and right before having dinner, I could still taste the sushi in my mouth. The meat. Mmmm. Can you taste it yet?

Korean BBQ. Mmmm. Dang, I have to stop eating so much, I have been such a pig but it’s all good. I will go to Pure Fitness soon when I get the chance to, go here and hear all about it, you even get to work out next to hot fit movie singers.

Plus spending time with a friend who has been so busy the past few weeks was good, talking. Taking sticker pictures. Sometimes, We should all take the time out of our busy lives, invite a friend or two and just talk about life.

Remember me saying don’t jump to conclusions about people? Well, that’s true. I got to talk to my friend today and there are so many things that are happening and have been happening the past few weeks that I didn’t know about. And I thought it was all because she was busy hanging out with someone else. I know things arn’t that good right now but things will get better, I promise. I know it’s not an easy thought but I will always be here for you, no matter how busy you are.

~ cuz you are alive and you live in me!

Cheers Jo!