Two posts in a night is rare but it’s been a weird night & here it is.
I never thought that I would be this kind of person. I’ve always thought of myself as looking at everything in a big picture, knowing everything thats going on and just being able to be there for everyone. This time I am wrong, I am so wrong and right now, I hate myself for it. I have been so involved in myself, in what I have been feeling, I did not notice what other people have been going through, I didn’t even try to notice or find out. I’ve been wrong this whole time, about everything. I’ve been complaining about my small little problems that don’t even matter in the long run, while people have way bigger problems than I do and yet they have to hide it because I haven’t been there for them. I feel like an idiot.. a Jerk.. a horrible friend.
I want to say I’m sorry, and I am. but that doesn’t even match up to how I feel right now, the voice inside me asking me “what the heck have you been thinking all this time?”. There is nothing I can do that will make up for what I have done and that kills. I don’t know when things are going to be the same again, eventually it will, but it will take so much time. And again, I hate myself for what I have done. For the wall I have put between us, there should be nothing that we can’t tell each other.
God, I don’t know what I have been thinking all this time. I thought it was just a small bump you put in front of me. But this challenge is so big, I have just realized, that I don’t know what to do once again. I can’t come to forgive myself. I don’t know when I will be able to come to forgive myself, Your love is so big that I know you have already forgiven me for everything I have done and I thank you for that. But Lord, What do I do now? Now that I have dug a hole and created a wall. I pray that you give me the strength through this time. That you give me the wisdom to do the right thing, to be like You. Heal me…