We say time flies, but there are weeks and days when it doesn’t seem like it’ll ever be over. This is one of those weeks. The week before Chinese New Year holidays. The week before paradise- El Nido. After going last year, it is definitely a dream come true to be able to go again. After this time, I honestly have no idea when I will even get the chance to go and who with.

Every minute of the day, I tell myself.. there are only so many days left until we leave, so hang on! But it’s hard to maintain a level of awaken-ness  and alertness at school. It has been exhausting, school haven’t been the most friendly and one of my classes today were definitely enjoying my crankiness.  I wanted to let everyone know how horrible and cranky I was feeling, but why burden others when they might be having a great day?

When things seem to go wrong, and time seem to be moving in snail pace. Take a deep breath and try to relax. You are not alone, there are many others experiencing the same thing you are.  It might take a simple song to cheer you up, it might be a text message, it might be a friend around the corner or even a short nap.

Refresh yourself, look on the bright side and know that someone, somewhere out there is thinking of you.

There comes a point where all you want to do is close your eyes and hope for everything to be just right. For everything to disappear and for everything to become easier than it is but that is unreal. There comes a point where everything in your mind is blurred and scrambled- so much that you cant remember why you started thinking about it in the first place or what happened that lead to the way it is now. There is only so much we can do at that point, just hope that eventually, all the puzzle pieces will fit together.

The smile. The sound of laughter. The sound of disappointment. The sound of being in love. The touch of your hand. The many different facial expressions. The magical look.  They all seem so clear yet so blurred. The excitement of life comes from surprises. but when they catch you by surprise and you have no idea what to do, all I can do is dream. A dream that could, could not, should or should not become reality.

There also comes a point in time where trying doesn’t seem so hard anymore, where trying doesn’t seem to be one of the main priorities anymore. It starts to fade away, the heart to fight slowly closes and collapse. If I dig deep enough, maybe it will open up and say what it’s always wanted to say.

If you care about someone enough, it doesn’t matter what people say, it doesn’t matter how much it hurts, and it doesn’t matter how many times people try to pull you away, you keep going back- even if you have to keep it a secret. But is that really what we should do?

Maybe there are some things that are meant to be left unsaid.

I really should be reviewing for my Spanish Exam tomorrow but during my study session with my best friend tonight, we were able to get some good conversations in between our studious studying and laughing at waiters.

Every day we ponder the big “What IFs” in our life. What if this didn’t happen? What if I didn’t say this? Would everything still be the same? What happened along the way…  and what if I was able to change it?

So many things have happened in the last year, for better or for worse. Our life has been changed, it has been influenced and WE individually has grown and changed along the way. There are things we like about ourselves now, and some things we wish we can change. All we can do is to strive to be a better person every day when we wake up.

Every day when I wake up, I can’t help but wonder ‘what exactly happened along the way?’ why are things the way they are now? Think about it for a while, but once we have that out of our head- we move on to the next agenda for the day.

Lately (been a while), I have been lead astray and I have had lots of questions and I have been doing lots of things out of my usual routine and what others expect of me. Even though questions have flooded my mind, I continue to hold on. The fact that we still think about it and ponder upon it gives me enough reason to know that we am still the same person, we still care.

There’s a reason it still hangs in the back of my head.  I am hanging at the end of the rope and only You can pull me back. We fight and we feel like we are no longer on the rope, but You know what we are dealing with. We pray for years, and nothing happens. Not only can we not see anything good, things seem to get worse. We want to give up and let go, but You hold on to Us and never let go.

Sometimes we can only hold on for so long,

Can you please show us something?

Amen.

As I look out the window and try to gather my thoughts, cars are running past and people rushing to keep up with their lives.  There are so many thoughts tangled in my head, I don’t know where to start, or how to organize them. Which do I think about first? What are my thoughts? I can’t put them in words.

Every day, we walk past thousands of people, each with a different story and a different life. Each struggling with their own problems.  Thinking about that theory is very fascinating to me. I wish I could find out how they live, what their thoughts are and what morals they live by. As they walk around with friends or with their spouse, one thing we all know is that they had to fight for it. It’s not something given to you on a silver plater. For once in my life, I have really wanted to fight for something I want. And I have been fighting, talking, communicating and trusting.

I am still fighting, but more and more, I am wondering whether what I am fighting for is worth fighting for. I can only fight so far by myself. It’s like swimming with one arm, you can only swim so far. Whatever it is, it always catches up to you and either make you the happiest person on earth, or it can shatter you because you are just so exhausted from swimming.  I wish I could float, with no one or nothing pulling me down. When you’ve already sunk… it takes lots and lots of effort to come back up to catch a breathe of air. Right now.. its like I’ve gotten back up halfway and I get pushed down again. I feel like just staying down. How exhausting it sounds.

Just a few days ago, a good friend told me “you can tell where the heart of a person lies from what they talk about.”  Ever since then, I have been more conscious and “listening” to myself and what I talk about. Even what I think about in my mind when I walk down the street. It feels like it has changed the last few months, for good or for worse? Sometimes I want to lock myself in a room, so I don’t have to say things that I might regret, or say things that won’t inflict a positive attitude. But unfortunately, of course- life doesn’t work that way.

I have no resolution or answers. As I said, thoughts are still running around in my head. How is God able to deal with everyone’s emotions and thoughts all at one time? He is a very organized person.  I can’t even deal with myself, how am I suppose to deal with billions of other people? Although, I do believe I am able to help other people more than I can help myself. I think that is true for many.

-J

There goes another year. There goes my last Christmas holidays in High School. Extended family from Toronto have been in town for almost a month now, they are here for another week or so. This holiday has consisted a lot of family gatherings and dinners.

I didn’t have quite the perfect holiday or the best one, but it was great to see friends and catch up. Although I didn’t get to see everyone I would like to see and time is flying by. Family has taken over and I didn’t get much of my own time and when I did, others weren’t very happy about it but I had to take it. Though it is nice to have guests in the house, I am really looking forward to having my room and some quiet time every day.

The only trip I took was to Macau for two days and two nights. We traveled with 15 people so it was a hassle getting around and we only went to the tourist areas. But thankfully, I was able to go to walk across the street to a friend’s house when I needed a break. I enjoy Macau, although it’s getting more populated with the new built casinos, there are many places to sit and look out into the ocean and chat. Those are the places I would die for. The quiet, the view and the person sitting next to me to talk to.

I really enjoyed the times I was able to go out and see friends. There is something about friends I don’t see very often, when I see them, I feel free to tell them almost everything that’s happening because they are not around the same environment as I am- perhaps I feel more comfortable. Maybe it’s the same theory with my older friends.

 two thousand and eight, Beijing Olympic, graduation, deciding what I want to do for the next few years. Every since years ago, we have said “the class of 2008” and now it has arrived. There are still much to do before we graduate, but by the time we know it, it will be May.

Work hard, set some new years goal but most of all, take time out every day and spend some time with friends. If you don’t make the effort, months will go by and you have no idea what you did with all those time.  I’m not quite sure where the last 17 years have gone, but I am looking forward to a new stage in life. There will be challenges and frustrations but do what you enjoy and it will all be worth it!

In these last six months, we can choose to avoid attachments and thus, avoid heart breaks, or we can be courageous, be risky and make the most out of it because the joy you receive will be much greater than any pain you feel.

Off to the last stretch of High School.

Happy New Year.