As I look out the window and try to gather my thoughts, cars are running past and people rushing to keep up with their lives. There are so many thoughts tangled in my head, I don’t know where to start, or how to organize them. Which do I think about first? What are my thoughts? I can’t put them in words.
Every day, we walk past thousands of people, each with a different story and a different life. Each struggling with their own problems. Thinking about that theory is very fascinating to me. I wish I could find out how they live, what their thoughts are and what morals they live by. As they walk around with friends or with their spouse, one thing we all know is that they had to fight for it. It’s not something given to you on a silver plater. For once in my life, I have really wanted to fight for something I want. And I have been fighting, talking, communicating and trusting.
I am still fighting, but more and more, I am wondering whether what I am fighting for is worth fighting for. I can only fight so far by myself. It’s like swimming with one arm, you can only swim so far. Whatever it is, it always catches up to you and either make you the happiest person on earth, or it can shatter you because you are just so exhausted from swimming. I wish I could float, with no one or nothing pulling me down. When you’ve already sunk… it takes lots and lots of effort to come back up to catch a breathe of air. Right now.. its like I’ve gotten back up halfway and I get pushed down again. I feel like just staying down. How exhausting it sounds.
Just a few days ago, a good friend told me “you can tell where the heart of a person lies from what they talk about.” Ever since then, I have been more conscious and “listening” to myself and what I talk about. Even what I think about in my mind when I walk down the street. It feels like it has changed the last few months, for good or for worse? Sometimes I want to lock myself in a room, so I don’t have to say things that I might regret, or say things that won’t inflict a positive attitude. But unfortunately, of course- life doesn’t work that way.
I have no resolution or answers. As I said, thoughts are still running around in my head. How is God able to deal with everyone’s emotions and thoughts all at one time? He is a very organized person. I can’t even deal with myself, how am I suppose to deal with billions of other people? Although, I do believe I am able to help other people more than I can help myself. I think that is true for many.