I’ve always learned to embrace change fairly well, with friends coming in and out of my life throughout the last 20 years- but as I live what may be the last few weeks of my time here in the United States- I’m feeling the pain as I soon have to say goodbye to some of the people I care about the most.
Like the numbness from accidentally hitting your funny bone, my heart, mind and soul feels a weight of numbness as the minutes go by every day. Sometimes to the point where I am left mute. I may seem angry, I may seem sad, but the feelings are inexpressible.
I want to tell everyone I love them every chance I get. I want to show them how painful it will be to leave them but I don’t want to look weak. Is there a word for that feeling in another language? There must be.
“Enjoy the moment before it passes you by.” is what I keep reminding myself. Perhaps the most difficult part is not knowing where I should be mentally. Without knowing whether I will be back for school, or whether I’d have to head home to the other side of the world, I’m stuck in the in-between.
Every moment with my friends feels like it could be the last. As the sun goes down and the stars appear, I’m afraid that this could be the last sunset. And next time- I’ll be alone- rushing for the sun to go down so I can star gaze and watch them shine and sparkle, hoping I left a part of myself with them as they have with me.
Maybe that’s what makes the starry nights so special- knowing that each star sparkling represents a friend I’ve met. Whether I’ve known them for a few days, a few years or from my childhood- each of them has made a difference in who I am. For that, I am grateful. The starry galaxy speaks a very special language of love if you take the time to listen.
It doesn’t make this process of unknown any easier, but it does remind me that even if things come to an end, I never have to say goodbye because everyone I love will always and forever be with me. As the sun goes down and the stars come out.
Joanne Lam 